Last Saturday, my brother and I went to Thorpe Park for the first time in over a decade. More accustomed to the roller coasters at Alton Towers, it was great to try out new rides and experience genuine surprise at the different routes and designs.
It feels altogether more extreme than Alton Towers, with claims of the fastest and highest rides in the UK, and several huge tracks. We tried the six main rollercoasters – Swarm, Saw, Hyperia, Colossus, Stealth and Nemesis Inferno – to judge which ones came out on top.
Having last visited when I was about 15, this time it wasn’t just about the thrill factor, but also whether the rides delivered the dreaded head-bashing. Three were amazing, two were great fun, and one I would steer well-clear of at my grand old age of 30.
colossus
6. Colossus
If concussion made rollercoasters, this would be it. Maybe it’s our post-30 heads lacking our younger bounce back ability, but this was a serious headache inducer.
The crickety ride wobbles you around the track at surprising speed before bringing you to the almighty twister, which derived groans from all passengers aboard who were ready to abort ship.
You’re swirled around three or four times successively as your head smashes from pillar to post between the solid headrests, ensuring a guaranteed headache for all riders. While the route is fun, the headache is not worth it.
(Image: Thorpe Park)
Stealth
5. Stealth
I could feel my heart beating in my throat before I got on Stealth. It was the end of the day, we were rattled, and I remember this ride vividly from when I was younger drawing water from my eyes due to the speed.
For the Alton Towers fans among you, Stealth is like a combination of Rita for its break-neck speed and Oblivion for its vertical drop. However, we realised our dramatics weren’t quite warranted.
While Oblivion cranks you up at a painfully slow pace, so you really have time to consider your questionable decision of hopping aboard, Stealth throws you up and down the vertical drop at such a speed that it’s over before you know it, so you feel more intense fear when you’re in the queue.
The ride is faster than Rita’s 62mph, reaching a thrilling 80mph in just 1.8 seconds, and the start is fantastic. We just wished the ascent started even a second later to really allow the fear factor to set in before the speed decreases.
If you want a fun coaster, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. If you want to be terrified, the anticipation is the scariest bit.
(Image: Thorpe Park)
Swarm
4. Swarm
This coaster spares the polite introductions, and throws you straight in by tilting you almost 90 degrees as you begin one of its many twisters.
Since the seats hang completely off the side of the tracks, you feel particularly vulnerable as your legs dangle high up in the air as you’re thrown upside down.
The rubber supports hold you down and there is absolutely no head banging, which is a win from me.
It has all the hallmarks of a solid coaster, with twisters and loops and the slightly quirky carriage adds to the drama. We enjoyed it, and just wished it had lasted longer.
(Image: Thorpe Park)
Nemesis inferno
3. Nemesis Inferno
What a rollercoaster. We went on immediately after the first go because it was so relaxing and enjoyable.
The perfect post-lunch choice, the smooth ride swoops upside down and twists you around with ease, without any terrifying vertical drops like Saw or the headbanging of Collosus. It’s good old-fashioned fun.
But don’t mistake relaxing for boring, there are plenty of loops and twists to keep you on your toes, and it is relatively fast at points too.
Head here for a palate cleanser when you need a break from the fear-induced adrenaline.
(Image: Thorpe Park)
